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Anxiety and FREE


IT’S FUNNY TO ME TO SEE HOW QUICKLY PEOPLE JUDGE THOSE THAT THEY FEEL ARE WEAK, TIMID, OR SHY. I USED TO THINK THAT I HAD A LITTLE SHYNESS, WHICH I MAY, BUT I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT I MAY HAVE MORE ANXIETY THAN I REALIZED. WHEN DIAGNOSED WITH ANY MEDICAL CONDITION, YOU FEEL YOURSELF LOOKING BACK TO WHAT COULD’VE CAUSED THE CONDITION OR WHAT YOU COULD’VE DONE BETTER TO NOT BE IN THE PREDICAMENT THAT YOU’RE IN. AFTER MY ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION DIAGNOSIS A FEW YEARS AGO, I BEGAN TO NOT ONLY THINK BACK TO THE CAUSES AND EFFECTS, BUT I ALSO THOUGHT BACK TO THOSE TIMES I FELT OUT OF PLACE AND SHORT-BREATHED; THINKING THAT I WAS JUST GOING THROUGH A MOMENT OF FEAR, WHEN REALLY I WAS HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK.


FOR INSTANCE, I SOMETIMES FEEL SQUIRMISH OR LIGHT-HEADED WITH THE THOUGHT OF GOING TO BIG EVENTS THAT WILL HAVE MANY PEOPLE CROWDING MY SPACE. I’VE NEVER THOROUGHLY ENJOYED MUSIC CONCERTS OR MAJOR FESTIVALS, BUT I SOMEHOW MANAGED TO LIVE OUT MOST OF MY TWENTIES BEING A SOCIOLITE IN MANY OF THE HOTTEST NIGHTCLUBS. WHAT’S GOTTEN ME THROUGH? ALCOHOL AND DRUGS. I COULD NEVER HAVE A “GOOD TIME” UNLESS I WAS INTOXICATED. MOST TIMES I FELT LIKE NO ONE AROUND ME WOULD HAVE A GOOD TIME UNLESS I WAS INTOXICATED AS WELL, SO I BASICALLY TRIED TO COPE WITH MY DISCOMFORTS THROUGH SUBSTANCE ABUSE.

THIS WAS MY WAY OF LIFE; USING ALCOHOL OR DRUGS TO HOPEFULLY TUNE OUT THE INSECURITIES AND FEARS IN MY HEAD. THEY HELPED ME COPE WITH MY WAY OF LIVING AT THE TIME, NOT KNOWING IT COULD HAUNT OR MAKE ME FEEL WORSE LATER. TAKING THE EDGE OFF WAS MANDATORY TO COPE AND FEEL ‘NORMAL.’ NOW I KNOW THAT I WAS TUNING OUT THE REAL ISSUES, WHICH LED ME OUT OF TOUCH WITH MY REALITY.

TODAY, I BARELY DESIRE TO GO OUT MUCH, AND IT FEELS LIKE WORK TO EVEN MUSTER UP THE ENERGY TO ATTEND EVENTS. SOMETIMES SOCIALIZING BECOMES A CHORE; I’M AMPED AND CAN CARRY A LONG CONVERSATION, BUT THEN I’M POOPED FOR THE DAY. IT’S AMAZING THAT I SUSTAIN MY LIFESTYLE OF DEALING WITH PEOPLE, BECAUSE MY ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION HAS REALLY MADE ME ANTI-SOCIAL.

HOWEVER, I CONTINUOUSLY LOOK ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF THINGS, AND I’VE REALIZED THAT THE WORD “NO” IS A POWERFUL WORD TO USE; IF I DON’T WANT TO DO SOMETHING, I JUST DON’T WANT TO DO IT. I FEEL THAT MUCH OF MY ANXIETY STEMS FROM FEELING OBLIGATED TO MAKE OTHERS HAPPY BY DOING THINGS THAT I’D RATHER NOT DO. NOW I PUT MY FEELINGS AND SAFETY FIRST; IF I FEEL LIKE I’M NOT IN A GOOD SPACE OR IF I’M GOING TO BE TOO UNCOMFORTABLE, I WON’T BE THERE. IT’S NOT ME BEING AN ASS, IT’S ME BEING ASSERTIVE OF MY PEACE, AND UNDERSTANDING THAT I’M NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I’M ME…ANXIETY AND FREE.

LEARN MORE ABOUT ANXIETY: https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety

#anxiety #selfmedicating #depression

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