After My Last Episode, I Kicked a lot of People to the Curb
I was in a bad mental space. Not only did I feel like I consumed toxic energy, but I was also becoming toxic. My way of thinking started to become so negative, and I was mad at everything and everyone. My anxiety made me so paranoid; I began thinking that many close friends were against me, my boyfriend was cheating on me, and that my family hated on me. It was getting bad, and after I lashed out at my children for making too much noise--when all they were doing was laughing and playing-- I knew it was time to get myself together.
I've had episodes before, but this one just felt like it lasted FOREVER. I couldn't shake the demons within, and I couldn't talk to anyone about how I was feeling, because honestly-- I didn't even know what I was feeling. All that I knew is that I wanted to disappear. I wanted all the pain to go away. Not only did my migraines return, but my entire body ached to the point that all I wanted to do was sleep all day. I neglected my physical health as well. I gained over 10 pounds within the month from either eating junk food all day or drinking wine all night. It was becoming really bad. My children were seeing this part of me, and I knew that I was harming them-- I knew they were concerned.
It was on a Monday afternoon when I decided that I had the last burger, the last sleepless night, the last migraine. On Tuesday morning, my day started with me contacting my physician for a check-up. I told them it was an emergency so that I could be seen ASAP. By his grace, my doctor actually had an opening that afternoon. Normally, last minute appointments and taking off work for any reason would make me view my calendar to make it work around my employers schedule-- not this time. This time it was about ME and my health. I took that appointment and it was the best thing that I could've done.
My physician referred me to a great therapist that I've been seeing for over a month now. Due to the state of mind that I was in, I've been doing weekly sessions. It's been so important for me to talk, cry, scream and do whatever I could to release the energy that was taking over me for so long. In addition, I began to refrain from hanging out with certain friends. I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. I started going on job interviews--- and actually had plenty of other organizations interested. I also changed my entire living situation, which included my food/drink intake, and cleared a lot of clutter. A HUGE change of cutbacks and cutoffs wasn't something that I thought I could make, but it's been so necessary and so peaceful. My new regime of 'self-care' has been an added plus. I knew that I had to stay healthy mentally and physically if I wanted to keep my energy and mental stability intact.
My children have been my motivation and my best supporters. Closing the entryway to the bad energy has allowed so much positivity and peace to enter--- there's no turning back now. To everyone I let go of...I'm sorry, but not sorry. It's been the best thing that I could do for me, and would do it all over again just to breathe this peace. Never be afraid to be a better person. You have so much to offer this world, and you are worth every fight.