I Don’t Have To Pretend I’m Happy
Updated: May 17, 2019
Walking around in a bubble Is what it feels like when trying to pretend that I’m happy. I try my best to conceal every emotion, every frown, and to bite every muscle of my tongue. After several fail attempts to be ‘Ms. Perfect’ to the eye of perfectly imperfect strangers (and maybe some loved ones), my frown and angry face turns into looking I got hit by a bus. Now I’m being asked, “How are you feeling” or being told “Girl, you look tired.” The look of drainage all around my eyelids— doesn’t help that I’m only surviving with 5 hours of sleep.
So... I realized that I’m trying too hard to disguise my unhappiness rather than deal with it head on. In order for me to address my outer appearance (that everyone sees first), I must get my internal web together. This means, NO- I will not bite my tongue, when I feel as though I’m being neglected or taken advantage of. This means, NO— I will not pretend to not have depression, because it makes you uncomfortable. This means, NO— I will not pretend to be happy when I’m around you, when I’m unhappy as hell. I can no longer hold my feelings hostage just to appease others. My mental wellness matters more!