It's Not Insecurity-- It's Anxiety.
I remember a few years ago having a friend tell me that I was insecure, and that I thought that everyone was out to get me. During that time, I laughed, when deep-down I took it to heart. How dare she call me out to be this paranoid, insecure, and toxic person. Now as I began to constantly educate myself through my Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) diagnosis, I'm beginning to realize that she was right.
Having MDD along with anxiety will make you feel like an alien in a world full of enemies. I've literally ended friendships and intimate relationships based on my fear and anxiety of them being backstabbing, jealous, or out to intentionally harm me in any kind of way. Although some of those people's intentions are still questionable to this day, I definitely see how I've created a wall that has led me to have a sheltered and isolated life.
My fear of being hurt has increased, especially due to my let-downs of friendships; there were people who I felt had my back and loved me unconditionally, yet they really were just fair-weather, and situational attachments. I'm grateful for those relationships I have been able to hold on to, and the new ones that I've gained. My main goal these days is to have substance and purpose in everything that I do; which impacts the friends I choose, the family I hang around, and my love life. Everything is a trigger, and my mood changes frequently-- I own this. Friends used to joke and say I was bi-polar or call me Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde---both of us totally ignorant to the fact that I may actually have a mental disorder. Now that I know better, I've chosen to do better.
I still have social and relational anxiety, but I try my best to communicate my concerns and/or insecurities rather than hide them and expect someone to read my mind. Creating a a mental calm when anxiety arises is hard work, but I'm learning how to work thru it every day. I'm learning how to be a better person and a better friend to those I love. I'm learning how to embrace my mental health.